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05/23/2015
The Worship Center
05/26/2015
The Worship Center
I'm incredibly thankful for the Lord's saving love. My life looked calm on the outside, but on the inside, my heart was in relentless turmoil. The world was doing a pretty good job of reminding me at every juncture that it thought I didn't have much to offer. I quietly fought back by removing myself from the mix. My thought was that if nobody could see or hear me, then I would more or less disappear from being a target. I got to that point where I was isolated away, deep inside of myself, and spending longer and longer lengths of time laying still in a pitch black room was my normal. I was the girl in the glass house; only I wasn't throwing stones, I was looking at life from the outside instead of being an active member. I wasn't the person I knew anymore, but a shell of who I used to be and thought I was meant to be. I finally came to that place where I was done. DONE. I couldn't take it anymore; the self-loathing, the deep wounding, the hopelessness. The more I thought about the walls I had in my life, the more I came to realize that whatever the walls may be, they could either smother me into a silent, deathly prison, or give me the rocks to climb out of the darkness. I didn't exactly walk into my walls head on. I made them, despite all the good sense I knew I had. 

So this Jesus - this Jesus I never really knew at anything more than face or hymn value from a spattering of random experiences growing up, came to visit me one night as I curled up at the base of my biggest wall. I felt the peace of His presence fill my bedroom and wrap a tangible love around me. I had never felt that kind of awareness of His awareness of me as I did that night. I don't say this lightly - I owe everything to this turning point that reshaped my will, and changed my course. It was Jesus, or it was death. I chose Jesus. And Jesus chose his death so that I could have life.

Now in my forties, and twenty-some years of walking this new life out day by day discovering passions that have been dormant and new ones I hadn't even considered before, the old me is gone and the new me wakes up every day with a deeper perspective of who I am as a co-heir with Christ. I'm not only in the land of the living and thriving, but I'm also a willing participant. I'm at peace, I'm awake, and I'm stirred to keep on keeping on. 

All of that to say that I'm grateful that you've found me. I pray that I've been a blessing to you in some way, and that His words have ministered to your spirit and left a seed to sow forward.

God Bless, and I mean that. ~ Nicki