I'm incredibly thankful for the Lord's saving love. My life looked calm on the outside, but on the inside, my heart was in relentless turmoil. The world was doing a pretty good job of reminding me at every juncture that it thought I didn't have much to offer. I quietly fought back by removing myself from the mix. My thought was that if nobody could see or hear me, then I would more or less disappear from being a target. I got to that point where I was isolated away, deep inside of myself, and spending longer and longer lengths of time laying still in a pitch black room was my normal. I was the girl in the glass house; only I wasn't throwing stones, I was looking at life from the outside instead of being an active member. I wasn't the person I knew anymore, but a shell of who I used to be and thought I was meant to be. I finally came to that place where I was done. DONE. I couldn't take it anymore; the self-loathing, the deep wounding, the hopelessness. The more I thought about the walls I had in my life, the more I came to realize that whatever the walls may be, they could either smother me into a silent, deathly prison, or give me the rocks to climb out of the darkness. I didn't exactly walk into my walls head on. I made them, despite all the good sense I knew I had.
So this Jesus - this Jesus I never really knew at anything more than face or hymn value from a spattering of random experiences growing up, came to visit me one night as I curled up at the base of my biggest wall. I felt the peace of His presence fill my bedroom and wrap a tangible love around me. I had never felt that kind of awareness of His awareness of me as I did that night. I don't say this lightly - I owe everything to this turning point that reshaped my will, and changed my course. It was Jesus, or it was death. I chose Jesus. And Jesus chose his death so that I could have life.
Now in my forties, and twenty-some years of walking this new life out day by day discovering passions that have been dormant and new ones I hadn't even considered before, the old me is gone and the new me wakes up every day with a deeper perspective of who I am as a co-heir with Christ. I'm not only in the land of the living and thriving, but I'm also a willing participant. I'm at peace, I'm awake, and I'm stirred to keep on keeping on.
All of that to say that I'm grateful that you've found me. I pray that I've been a blessing to you in some way, and that His words have ministered to your spirit and left a seed to sow forward.
God Bless, and I mean that. ~ Nicki